her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
