I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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