you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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