I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
