he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Pooping to opera.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
