Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize