I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My penis needs a shock collar
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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