See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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