im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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