Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
