she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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