So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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