i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
