got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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