good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
