WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
