Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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