This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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