3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it was like eating out sand paper
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
