So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
