Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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