If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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