Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You are a genius and a whore.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
