I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
