Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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