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Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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