i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
