i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
