I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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