I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
