Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
