my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
