Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
