Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
