I just threw up on my dentist
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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