I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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