I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
