I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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