i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
