if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
