I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
