I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize