The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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