Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
