i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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