Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
