if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
