I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
