bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
