I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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