halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
