between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
