bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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