Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
