I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
