u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
