In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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