Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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