I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
