Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
