hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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