you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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