I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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